Life

So again, I havent had to much time to blog. I feel like with everything going on I am losing more and more of myself in the mix. I just recently msged everyone that means anything to me to tell them that I am sorry for not trying to make any effort even though they are in my thoughts quite a bit. I feel like everyone and everything is trying to control me and no matter what I do, its not the right thing. Seriously I just need to get away. Just go. Get on a plane a train or a bus I dont care. Just as long as I'm not here. I have all these things going on and no one that I can tell. I come up with reasons why people dont like me and push them away, even if they say it I cant trust them. I feel like Im stuck going in a circle and theres no one who can pull me out of it. Im almost certain I have an eating disorder Im losing weight and then gaining it back and then losing it again. And the thought of eating makes me want to puke but when I dont eat I want to puke too. So Im always feeling sick. My family is so caotic I cant deal with it anymore. I dont have a space to myself and my stuff cant be left anywhere, well it doesnt matter if its put away even its for everyone to use I guess sense everyone does. Its just so frustrating, everything in this household is. Im so confused between what people have told me to do and not to do that I dont even know how to feel or what I want because I cant make any decsions. Its bahh its so hard to explain. Im so fucked with everything. I just need something to make it all better but I havent figured out what yet. On a lighter note.

January 30th/2008 - Amazing
JT asked me to be his girlfriend. Thats good, right? WRONG. I like him a lot, but how am I going to tell my parents. He's so amazingly sweet and understanding and definetly good looking. Im so attracted to him. I just really cant get super attached I feel because Im so scared to get hurt so I deny my feelings to myself. Seriously all these people telling me what to do and none of them no whats going on. Maybe if I tell them they can tell me how to feel.